Are you sitting comfortably? Then we’ll begin with the question: how can I get a better airline seat without paying more?
First, a warning for the faint-hearted: the quest for a better seat does not exactly bring out the finest of qualities in people. Take my experience on a recent 13-hour overnight flight. A few days before the flight, I logged onto the airline’s website and chose an economy seat that I knew had a little extra legroom and would not be disturbed by fellow passengers lurching their way to the bathroom during the night. After three days of working around the clock, I considered this nothing less than seat heaven.
You can probably imagine my smugness as I settled down in the seat, looking forward to the luxury of a few hours’ sleep (I did warn you that this subject does not bring out the best in people, but let’s continue).
As I sat there, at peace with my seat, I heard a voice at my shoulder.
“’Allo,” said the middle-aged backpacker looming over my seat. He was French, and looked a little like Bob Dylan, though without Dylan’s, er, suave dress sense.
A little taken aback at this unsolicited greeting, I nodded to him and went back to the inflight video guide. Among the many gems on offer was a documentary on the evergreen Everly Brothers.
“A-llo!” A little nearer this time; enough for me to catch a powerful whiff of his natural eau de bac-pac. “Could I sit ’ere?”
Before I could stop myself, I heard myself saying, “Sorry, but I booked this particular seat last week.”
A pause.
“But I would like to have seat with my girlfriend,” he implored. He gestured to a much younger woman who had the look of a budding Charlotte Rampling. She, apparently, had the seat next to mine. It was clear that Bob expected me to jump straight out of the seat, so he could begin a 13-hour love-in with Charlotte.
I sat there like a character from one of those classic old cartoons – an angel on one shoulder, a devil on the other – listening bemused to their conflicting ethical counsel. At that moment, the little devil was winning.
Then Bob enlisted the help of a flight attendant.
“This man,” he told her, gesturing at me, “he is not giving up ’is seat!”
Then he delivered the killer line: “My girl and me, we just wanna be togezer.”
By know le tout cabin were lowering their newspapers and staring in my general direction.
With all the grace I could muster (not much, I confess), I made the long, lonely journey across the aisle.
Bye-bye seat, bye-bye happiness. Hello emptiness. I thought I was going to cry.
Clearly, I can’t give you any tips on fending off emotional blackmail by fellow passengers. But I can offer a few tips on bagging a decent seat.
1. Do your research. Tap ‘airline seat advice’ into your favourite search engine. There are several great sites offering advice on exactly which seats to choose, and which to avoid.
2. Be early. That means booking early, checking in online early and getting to the airport early.
3. Choose your words carefully. If you ask for ‘an exit row’, you may get nowhere. Be specific and ask for ‘14A’ or ‘16F’– whichever is the appropriate row. Also, asking for ‘an upgrade’ will usually fail, while asking politely whether ‘a better seat is available’ might sometimes succeed.
4. Avoid the rear of the plane, which is usually crowded, near the galley and washrooms (and, very occasionally, where low-risk prisoners are transported).
5. Finally, be nice. If you treat airline employees as fellow human beings, they might just reciprocate.
Which brings me back to Bob and Charlotte.
After giving up my seat, so they could be together in each other’s company for 13 hours, Bob and Charlotte’s relationship seemed to take a turn for the worse.
From what I could understand from their conversation, a little niggle between the two lovebirds just after take-off had turned into a full-scale disagreement by the time dinner was served.
That was followed by a rancorous argument while everyone else was watching the movie, and yet more bickering while the rest of the cabin was trying to sleep.
Which, I suppose, just goes to show: even a great airline seat isn’t guaranteed to make you happy.
Hywel Jones is a television producer who has travelled the world with the BBC and ITV. He now runs the international broadcast and corporate TV production company hi.tv. His favourite destination is San Francisco.
